Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Sono arrabbiata e triste.

E non so se sono triste solo per non pensare al fatto che sono arrabbiata.
O sono arrabbiata solo per non pensare al fatto che sono triste.

Le parole hanno un senso.
Triste ha più senso di tutte le altre.

Triste.
Non è da prendere alla leggera.
E' diverso da depressa o stanca o malinconica.
E' triste.
Triste.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Character is eating the Man.

The Character is perfect.
The Character is perfect.

But I fear.

Is he eating the Man right now?
Bit by bit?

Where the hell are all the wonderful beauty marks you had on your cheek and nose and near the ear?
Where the hell are they went?

I fear.
The Character is eating the Man.

Monday, April 21, 2008

THE CHARACTER
He is probably the most beautiful man i could see with my own eyes.
He is delicate and raffinate and very gentle and a truly prince of fairy tales.
He is white opale, thin, expensive.
You can admire it, but you can't touch it. Or you could break it.
He is almost invisible. Translucent.
He has bigger eyes than i though but he is less tall than I though.
He is like an untouchable angel, like a sparkling presence in the air.
He is like a porcelain doll.
He is unreal.

YOU
You're real.
And I don't know you at all.

---

All this it started probably before I left for Taiwan.
Before I made my first video, the one that featured the cupcakes, remember?
The we are all the same, you're not different one.
It started exactly when you wrote I don't like that feeling.
You, the man, and he, the character, started to be a difficult matter for me.
I started thinking about you as a person not as a character.
(And you ARE a character cause an *IDOL* IS a character).
And I started writing to YOU, here.

When I won the contest and you chose (or supposed to) *personally* *my* video, I started thinking about you almost only as human being.
But if I face an human being my reactions are completely different if I face an "idol".
When I *meet* people, I see human beings. And I'm used to treat them like human beings, so like me. I don't scream at them, I don't wanna touch them, I don't think to ***know them*** only cause I saw 5 or 5000 videos on youtube, and I'm absolutely not excited to holding hands to someone I don't know. So, basically, if I meet a person and we don't share nothing, the contact is useless and I don't feel anything.
So I didn't feel anything.
My problem.

A problem.

THE PROBLEM, actually.
Cause I have a problem, right now.
And it's a big one, do you know that?

[Trying to find a solution.]
[Trying to escape from the maze.]

You wasn't my rose.
So you was nothing to me.
Cause the rose was he.
BUT it's difficult to say right now.
Cause I always wrote to YOU here. Never to him.
So, even if I don't know you, maybe YOU are the rose now.

The problem is, like I said before, I feel like dumped.
And I miss my rose.
A LOT.

BUT I'm trying to figure out what the hell the rose IS.
WHO the hell the rose is, actually.

The only thing I know for sure is.
I MISS MY ROSE A LOT.

[I can't breathe.]

I MISS MY ROSE.
A LOT.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

i came back.
sad.
but because i came back, not related to you.

the whole feeling about, is almost gone.
i'm better and better everyday.
and i guess because i understand why and how.

in this trip i had the chance to meet two of my fav musicians ever.
Dino and Giulio.
i spoke A LOT with them, like normal people do.
BECAUSE WE, me and them, *ARE* NORMAL PEOPLE.
and that's the feeling i love the most.

we shared.
words, ideas, life.

why i tell you this?
'cause, like i said, i don't believe in differences. i don't believe in ranks.
and soler remark me one more time this simple idea.

what was the "problem" with you?
i already say it in the last post.
in italian.
i fix it now in english too.

probably, i'm the most snob and coldest person in the world.
i only met the second most snob and coldest person after me.
and this was no good at all.

i'm not saying you are "cold" with people.
you are always smiling and cheering and loving.
as i am.

but.
we are cold. rational.
we are emotionless. or we try to be.

so, when i met you, and you were holding my hands, and we looked each other in the eyes, i was thinking "why the hell i'm here? you are calvin chen, the human being. and i don't know you. and i never spoke with you. and neither you. you, the human being, and i, the human being, are the same. and we don't know each other. so why the hell i'm supposing to be here for you?".

and, probably, you were thinking if your mum had already prepared your dinner. Or about the laundry to do at home. Or something like that.

so cold.
And, i must remark this, not because you were cold.
you were smiling and very very kind and gentle and so raffinate and a truly prince inside.

but we were distant.
No link at all.
And, I say this, this was 99% because of me.

like i said.
i am the most snob and cold person in the world.
and that's it.

anyway.
*I* have a tons of laundry to do now.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Una settimana fa, circa a quest'ora, ti stavo vedendo.
I tuoi occhi sorprendentemente grandi (e non l'avrei mai detto), la tua pelle perfetta e bianchissima, il collo lungo da cigno e quella delicatezza ed eleganza che si crede esistano solo per i principi delle favole.

Eppure nel tuo sguardo nel mio, non c'era niente.
E nel mio sguardo nel tuo non c'era ugualmente niente.

Ho fatto tutto quello che un essere umano etichettato come "fan" può fare per conoscerti.
Ho viaggiato per molti chilometri tra l'Italia e Taiwan, ho guidato di notte fino a Tainan da Kending, non ho dormito, ho preso un treno alle 6 del mattino.
Ho partecipato al concorso per dirti ti amo e tu hai deciso di fare vincere proprio me.
Mi sono scritta al fan club ufficiale, ho partecipato a questa speciale riunione solo per i membri.

Sì.
Ho fatto tutto quello che era possibile fare.

Ma non ho dimostrato niente.

Perché il tuo sguardo era privo di tutto.
E così era il mio.

Nonostante le ore spese a scriverti qui o le nottate trascorse a vedere i tuoi video e le trasmissioni televisive e la tua voce nel mio ipod.

Sei un estraneo.
Non sei nessuno per me.

Perché vedi, l'uomo C non esiste davvero.
E l'uomo C è ancora lì.

Ma tu sei Calvin Chen, l'essere umano.
E non l'uomo C.
Tu sei Calvin Chen e hai una vita e io.
Anche io ho una vita.
E la mia dipende anche dalla felicità che mi dà il mio uomo C.

Ma mentre ero lì e mi tenevi entrambe le mani con le tue e ci siamo guardati negli occhi, non c'era niente.

Per questo ti ho detto "avrei tante cose da dirti e quindi non ne dirò nessuna".
E mi sono voltata a guardare Chun.

Forse mi illudo nel ricordare quanto nel suo sguardo ci fosse molta più comprensione e legame umano di quello che avremmo potuto esprimere noi due in un milione di anni.
E non te ne faccio mica una colpa, intendiamoci.

Per questo, non avercela con me se, in quella frazione di secondo in cui decidi le cose veramente importanti, ho riguardato te negli occhi, poi di nuovo Chun. E ho scelto di dare a lui il mio biglietto aggiungendo "ma se volessi saperne alcune, sono scritte in questo foglietto".

E me ne sono andata.

Non lo so.
Mi ci è voluta una settimana per scrivere tutto questo in maniera più o meno distaccata.

Ora aspetto il tuo video per me.

Per potere passare oltre.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I'm still unconfortable with all this.

About people who write and speak about this or about me.

It's like I finally fulfilled all my dreams (seeing you, meeting you, and being choosed for my video).
But, after all, I don't believe I made any difference.

And this made me sad and empty.

I always thought that there was no difference between people, no matter what your job is or if you are famous or not.

So I wanted, most of all, to show that.

But I didn't.

You didn't anything to upset me.
Actually you are probably the most kind and beautiful person I ever met and saw.
And it seems you are very gentle and delicate.

Like a wonderful and precious sheet of rice paper.

I really don't know why I feel like this.
An "emotional jam" in my stomach, like when you were dumped and you know is the best for you BOTH, but somehow you feel sorry, cause you faced the simple fact that also happy things have an end.

And, finally, this journalist who interviewed me. And he didn't understand a word about what i said.

Anyway, I don't care.
You don't care.

I'm trying to not thinking about this too much.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Poi perdi uno stupido treno.

E ce l'ha.

La verità è che vorrei poterti dire tante cose.

Come quando la felicità ci lascia del tutto.
O forse non è mai esistita veramente.

Come quando cammini.
E senti di essere solo.

Come quando guardi le stelle e tu sei lì.
E sei sempre quello che ama di più.

Come quando alle 4 e mezza del mattino, sei su una montagna di 2400 metri, aspettando l'alba.
E scrivi trattenendo a stento le lacrime ad una persona che assolutamente non sa chi sei.

E ti chiedi se la vita abbia senso.

Monday, April 7, 2008

I'm in a completely new state of mind.
And I'm ALONE in there.

There.
There're no emotions, no light, no links between people.
There.
All is calm and cool.

Deep inside, maybe I feel regret.
Cause I couldn't make the difference.

And I must face it.

But it's ok.

And, if not, it will be ok.

I'm in a new state of mind now.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Una giornata.

Una sensazione così difficile.

Ma voglio fissare qualcosa, Mr. Chen.

Lo penserò soltanto.
SOLTANTO.

Stanotte mi sono fatta 200 kilometri di macchina, dopo un concerto di 10 ore che è finto all'una e mezza. Non ho dormito, sono andata direttamente in stazione e ho preso questo treno che, in 4 ore, di cui due le dovrò fare in piedi, mi poterà a 500 km di distanza dalla stazione di partenza.

Per venire a vedere TE.

L'uomo che oddio alle fan sono allergico perché mi diventa il braccino tutto rosso.

Mi chiedo onestamente.

Ma ne vali la pena?

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Ho vinto.
Ho vinto.

IO HO VINTO.

Hai scelto ME.

Ho vinto IO.

E domani ti vengo a vedere.

IN FACCIA.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Essere in pieno traffico all'ora di punta.
E come una scema continuare a pensare.

"Questo è il tuo traffico, questo è il TUO traffico..."